therapy for kenneth?

Kenneth is growing up gracefully. Yes, really graceful as he starts declaring openly that “I wanted to be a girl than a boy!”

At four years old, he speaks his mind boldly and doesn’t care if he hurts anybody or in return, he’ll be ridiculed by his kiddie peers.

Once, I tagged him along in one of my downtown trips to pay our monthly bills. We went to one of a service providers’ office, it was almost Holy Week break so the billing office was so crowded and we stand for an hour to be attended by a teller-cashier.

Suddenly a friend journalist approached and greeted me. Our casual conversation was diverted to my son’s behavior.

He was dancing amidst the crowd and doesn’t care if people were laughing at him.

I don’t know what to do then. People might think that my son is a special child as he is making faces and noises showing his decayed teeth.

So I called his attention, “Kenneth, stop it please, people here don’t want noise.”

Everyone was stunned and then later laughed again when they heard Kenneth’s replies saying, “Mama please call me Kimberly, I don’t like the name Kenneth, okay?”

My friend journalist could hardly control his amusement.

“Julz, you should bring your son to a psychiatrist or else you’ll have problems with him later,” says my homophobic friend.

I was trying to control my emotion then as I dearly loved to slap his face in public.

One time I got mad when Kenneth was peeing mimicking the male dog.

He explained that he just wanted to feel how dogs urinate from one wall to another.

“Sinubukan ko lang kung mahirap kasi kanina pa yung dog ihi nang ihi sa bakod paikot-ikot hanggang dun sa puno.”

So I told him in an angry tone that “next time I’ll see you peeing like a dog I will really cut your penis.”

But I was shocked with his answer, “hay salamat, mawawala na ang penis ko.”

I am deeply aware that my son is growing up as gay and he is not a typical person trying to hide his preferred sex.

Although I keep explaining him that even if he removed his penis (as this is what he wanted) he’ll remain a male forever as God is the One that bestowed his gender.

“If I die and I live again on green planet (Earth) do you think God and Papa Jesus will already make me a girl?”

That is always his difficult question if he’s cornered with ended answer as “wala ka nang magagawa anak dahil pinanganak kang lalaki.”

Kenneth at his age is probably exploring everything, maybe at age 6 he’ll soon realize that he is indeed a boy. Whatever choice he’ll make someday, I will always support him.

signing on!!!

Ang tagal kong nawala! Halos di ko na alam kung saan magsisimula. I even forgot how to sign in in my own blogspot. Since January till present I have been pre-occupied with nothing, wala lang...
I just got tired or maybe I don't have enough time to sit and update my blog. Especially since January this year I decided to let my nanny go and look for a greener pasture. She's been with me acting as second mom to my son for almost four years. My son is growing up and he needs to be more independent, hindi sa lahat ng oras ay may yayang sumusunod. Ang hirap maging solo parent, now that Kenneth starts to ask so many questions and he speaks his own mind. Unlike before, I always do the talking and thinking, ngayon hindi na.

Actually December 2006 was the most busiest for me. Oy! Hindi ako nang-aginaldo ha! Me pinagawang assignment one of the fellow journalist which I have failed to complete dahil sinabayan ba naman ng events tulad ng pagkamatay ni Kadaffy Janjalani, the Nicole and Smith, US Ambassador Kenney's frequent trips to Sulu.

Dagdag dito, last December din when I received news from Carol Arguillas that I'm nominated for Peace Journalism Summer Course at Sydney, Australia kaya I was also busy preparing all my travel documents.

Anyway am back and with jest to write anew. This time more sharing on parenting and my exciting discoveries kung paano magpalaki ng isang Juniorita.

Hoping for a Joyful Christmas

Hoping for a Joyful Christmas

She was sitting on her wooden bench facing east where the air blows gently. I thought she was enjoying the early cold breeze that Sunday morning.

No, she wasn’t, she was there thinking alone and reviving the past memories.

When I approached her, I saw tears in her eyes, she was crying…

Casually I asked her why she’s up so early when it was her typical late waking up routine every Sunday.

In a casual tone trying to hide her broken voice, she said that “I was not able to sleep last night, I have had some nightmares, I am just here trying to recall that bad dreams, don’t mind me.”

My mother is a very sentimental person, but when I saw her emotions that Sunday, I sensed something’s wrong, somewhere.

Before I could ask for more questions, she immediately turned the table on me saying, “hey! why you are up too so early, your son might wake up and find you missing, you better go back to your house.”

I reminded her gently that Kenneth knows his way around and innocently, I asked what’s bothering her.

“Nanay I know that you know you’re hiding something, I know you’re crying and I believe there’s a big reason for that tears.”

She just nodded her head and suddenly blurted out that “I am afraid that I will be spending Christmas alone, your sister has already left me, she is now staying in an apartment near her office and your brother is about to leave me soon, he’ll be working out of the country.”

She wept quietly, I just embraced her trying to console her feelings. I know that at her age, she’s becoming very sensitive and she can’t stand living alone in her house.

“Hush! It’s okay Nanay, my sister is already old enough to be independent, let her live her own life, she knows where to find you and my brother has to move on, he’s been out of job for almost a year.”

However her instant reaction has moved me.

“You know what? I miss the life we had in Baliwasan, we shared every inch of the space in our small house but we were all happy, but…during those days, I was dreaming of having a big house where everyone in the family will have its own room, now I just wish to get back to that old small dwelling.”

Now I am sharing her tears, I know that those moments were the best for us even if we hardly eat a decent meal in a day.

I remember our Christmas excited to have a piece of an apple (the cheapest one), slice bread with margarine and biko. Tatay and Nanay then were proud to share a peso coin for each of their six children.

Those days… late at night, I made sure to watch my parents making a Christmas tree made of white strings tied to a big flat rounded plywood and a long pole in the middle where to tie the strings. Inside that Christmas tree is a manger where Tatay, a skilled carpenter sculpted some figures of the three kings, Mama Mary, Baby Jesus and Papa Joseph with small animals including dogs and cats.

At Noche Buena, we were all satisfied and happy sharing and sipping a cup of hot tea and slices of bread.

Ah… those were the days… Simple yet happy life… Suddenly, I too has to wipe my tears realizing that I sympathize with her longings.

This coming Noche Buena, my Nanay fears of spending it alone in her huge house. The only sounds she can hear is her own footsteps, the squeaking of the door and noises from the lizards on the walls and ceilings.

I have my own house just few meters away from her. Kenneth my son and I are the only souls that occupy our humble domain.

Yet I assured her that with all her grandchildren around, “you’re not going to miss even me.”

I told her that she has Kenneth, Kix Daryll and Kix Darren and Bimbong and probably my brother Jose would also bring his children Jemalyn, Jonalyn, Christopher and Nicko for Noche Buena celebration.

“Well that’s a great idea, I think I should focus more on my apos, hmp! Why should I be so selfish when there are still noisy earthlings that I can play with on Christmas day,” was my Nanay’s words.

But looking at her, seeing her sad eyes, I know that she is still trying to convince herself that everything will be okay.

“You are all grown-up now, if God asks me what will be my wish, I will wish that we all go back to where we started,” was my mother’s words before I left her to check my son.

Lonely Table

When I was a little girl, I remember my parents having a huge wooden table with eight wooden chairs where eight people can sit and dine together.

As I am blooming in my adolescent years, I recalled that our wooden table and wooden chairs started to give off due to constant floodings in our birthplace in Barangay Baliwasan that reached knee or waist deep.

All the furnitures that my parents invested before were gone to waste one by one like old Guava tree behind our old house giving off its branches and twigs as its roots gradually eaten by insects, bugs and molds.

Like the old Guava tree, my father's health was failing then gradually succumbing to death until one day we lost him while he was there lying on a hospital bed with a smile in his face.

Again like the old Guava tree, it didnt retire to return to its nature until we grew up tired of eating its fruits. It didnt stop from bearing fruits and growing more branches despite the heavy floodings then until my father saw a good place for us.

My father worked hard till his last breath so we could finish school and find a well a good job of our won. He made sure that we are all in good hands and bought a property where there is no floodings to destroy our furnitures and fruit trees.

His last request then was for us to transfer to our property in Putik once he's buried and united with Almighty. We granted his wish although most of us objected to staying in Putik because of its distance to the town. But we managed and now we have again many Guava and Mango trees, we have coconut trees and bananas, calamansi and other vegetables, its like tending to a mini farm and we didnt experienced floodings.

After five years when my father was gone, my mother started to think of building her life in her huge house. She said she wanted a big table good for eight person. I said no, it will just make her more lonely because she will be sitting and dining in a huge table along with her children.

Tatay is gone and who will sit on the 8th seat? So she decided to have six seater table, but then again I said no, it would still be lonely for her since three of her children are all married and living their own lives that includes me.

But she said during special occasions we visit her, and ignored my advise.

Two days ago I visited her. Her house is just a stone throw away. She was crying alone and I asked her what's her problem.

She said I was right that having a huge table with six seats will make her utterly sad.

I asked her why when she has two more with her, my youngest sis Emma and my fourth brother Bobong and plus my cousin Jainab.

Nanay said Emma moved to a new apartment recently just near her office, while my brother Bobong is readying his paper to work abroad.

And next year she will be living alone since my cousin is working for me as my son's yaya.

Glancing at the table, my mother wished that she followed my advise then, but I assured her that Kenneth (my son) and I are still there.

To console her, I promised that once my sister and brother definitely leave her alone, I and my son will stay in her huge house with a huge table and that my home near her house will serve as my office where I can go there anytime to do my work.

With that her face glows like she discovered some nice little secrets. Then she said the lonely table will not be lonely after all.

Keeping My Sanity

For the past weeks I have been so busy with my coverage. Its like racing against time and I have this need to fill in anything from coffee and sugar jars to water jars and my purse just to make sure I have something for rainy days.

Seeing my little boy growing so fast, at first he demanded me when he will go to school and just this morning he asked me when is the right time to circumcise his baby penis. Oh my God he is just a four year old angel and he asks so many questions.

My dear friend David earlier advised me to enroll my son to a corporate school like Ateneo de Zamboanga University so he could get the best education, but with my meager income as journalist its not enough. I was thinking of a public school but many friends discouraged me if I really wanted something best for my kid.

And here's the fear... can I or will I make it, can I afford the tuition fees? Will my savings last for his education till he graduated from college?

Before I celebrated my 40th year in this Earth, I have this growing fear inside, so many fears that I sometimes feel that I may last long in this world.

I really love my little boy and my only wish is to see him grow and mature as a better person with better education and the only legacy I could leave is my principles in life, but will this principle makes him survive and beat all the pressing demands?

My other fear is that my boy is growing with this feeling that he is a girl. Society is not that open to gay communities moreso to gay relationship. What will happen to him?

In the end, I always console myself that life is beautiful to spoil and that God is always with me whenever I go and whatever I do. But gnawing fear is always there, always reminding me that I cannot stop, I have to move on, write more stories, earn more, save more...

But what about my time together with my little boy? He kept on asking why I always go out to work and why his other aunts stay in the house where his cousins are being attended well.

The only explanation I give to him is that Mama is alone to keep our life moving and that Mama is the sole breadearner and that if I am not going to work, he will not be able to drink milk, eat boiled rice and his favorite chicken skins and bananas and that I cannot buy him beautiful and colorful barbie dolls.

Sometimes it surprised me when he said "why dont you make yourself beautiful, wear make up so you can find a honey and so that I can have a Papa."

I just laughed to his innocent suggestions, but at this time, I am not ready for any intimate relationship because my concern is only my son and my ailing mother. I wanted them to be happy while I can work and earn for them. I wanted to use all my energies while I am healthy and active and that personal feelings like relationship with the opposite sex has to be shelved until one day my life is easy and pressures are not that heavy to take.

But deep within me, I am no longer interested since I have encountered and experienced different relationships and the most wonderful feeling that I have ever felt and that even renewed my faith is when a little boy came into my life that restored all my sanity.