Keeping My Sanity

For the past weeks I have been so busy with my coverage. Its like racing against time and I have this need to fill in anything from coffee and sugar jars to water jars and my purse just to make sure I have something for rainy days.

Seeing my little boy growing so fast, at first he demanded me when he will go to school and just this morning he asked me when is the right time to circumcise his baby penis. Oh my God he is just a four year old angel and he asks so many questions.

My dear friend David earlier advised me to enroll my son to a corporate school like Ateneo de Zamboanga University so he could get the best education, but with my meager income as journalist its not enough. I was thinking of a public school but many friends discouraged me if I really wanted something best for my kid.

And here's the fear... can I or will I make it, can I afford the tuition fees? Will my savings last for his education till he graduated from college?

Before I celebrated my 40th year in this Earth, I have this growing fear inside, so many fears that I sometimes feel that I may last long in this world.

I really love my little boy and my only wish is to see him grow and mature as a better person with better education and the only legacy I could leave is my principles in life, but will this principle makes him survive and beat all the pressing demands?

My other fear is that my boy is growing with this feeling that he is a girl. Society is not that open to gay communities moreso to gay relationship. What will happen to him?

In the end, I always console myself that life is beautiful to spoil and that God is always with me whenever I go and whatever I do. But gnawing fear is always there, always reminding me that I cannot stop, I have to move on, write more stories, earn more, save more...

But what about my time together with my little boy? He kept on asking why I always go out to work and why his other aunts stay in the house where his cousins are being attended well.

The only explanation I give to him is that Mama is alone to keep our life moving and that Mama is the sole breadearner and that if I am not going to work, he will not be able to drink milk, eat boiled rice and his favorite chicken skins and bananas and that I cannot buy him beautiful and colorful barbie dolls.

Sometimes it surprised me when he said "why dont you make yourself beautiful, wear make up so you can find a honey and so that I can have a Papa."

I just laughed to his innocent suggestions, but at this time, I am not ready for any intimate relationship because my concern is only my son and my ailing mother. I wanted them to be happy while I can work and earn for them. I wanted to use all my energies while I am healthy and active and that personal feelings like relationship with the opposite sex has to be shelved until one day my life is easy and pressures are not that heavy to take.

But deep within me, I am no longer interested since I have encountered and experienced different relationships and the most wonderful feeling that I have ever felt and that even renewed my faith is when a little boy came into my life that restored all my sanity.