Hoping for a Joyful Christmas

Hoping for a Joyful Christmas

She was sitting on her wooden bench facing east where the air blows gently. I thought she was enjoying the early cold breeze that Sunday morning.

No, she wasn’t, she was there thinking alone and reviving the past memories.

When I approached her, I saw tears in her eyes, she was crying…

Casually I asked her why she’s up so early when it was her typical late waking up routine every Sunday.

In a casual tone trying to hide her broken voice, she said that “I was not able to sleep last night, I have had some nightmares, I am just here trying to recall that bad dreams, don’t mind me.”

My mother is a very sentimental person, but when I saw her emotions that Sunday, I sensed something’s wrong, somewhere.

Before I could ask for more questions, she immediately turned the table on me saying, “hey! why you are up too so early, your son might wake up and find you missing, you better go back to your house.”

I reminded her gently that Kenneth knows his way around and innocently, I asked what’s bothering her.

“Nanay I know that you know you’re hiding something, I know you’re crying and I believe there’s a big reason for that tears.”

She just nodded her head and suddenly blurted out that “I am afraid that I will be spending Christmas alone, your sister has already left me, she is now staying in an apartment near her office and your brother is about to leave me soon, he’ll be working out of the country.”

She wept quietly, I just embraced her trying to console her feelings. I know that at her age, she’s becoming very sensitive and she can’t stand living alone in her house.

“Hush! It’s okay Nanay, my sister is already old enough to be independent, let her live her own life, she knows where to find you and my brother has to move on, he’s been out of job for almost a year.”

However her instant reaction has moved me.

“You know what? I miss the life we had in Baliwasan, we shared every inch of the space in our small house but we were all happy, but…during those days, I was dreaming of having a big house where everyone in the family will have its own room, now I just wish to get back to that old small dwelling.”

Now I am sharing her tears, I know that those moments were the best for us even if we hardly eat a decent meal in a day.

I remember our Christmas excited to have a piece of an apple (the cheapest one), slice bread with margarine and biko. Tatay and Nanay then were proud to share a peso coin for each of their six children.

Those days… late at night, I made sure to watch my parents making a Christmas tree made of white strings tied to a big flat rounded plywood and a long pole in the middle where to tie the strings. Inside that Christmas tree is a manger where Tatay, a skilled carpenter sculpted some figures of the three kings, Mama Mary, Baby Jesus and Papa Joseph with small animals including dogs and cats.

At Noche Buena, we were all satisfied and happy sharing and sipping a cup of hot tea and slices of bread.

Ah… those were the days… Simple yet happy life… Suddenly, I too has to wipe my tears realizing that I sympathize with her longings.

This coming Noche Buena, my Nanay fears of spending it alone in her huge house. The only sounds she can hear is her own footsteps, the squeaking of the door and noises from the lizards on the walls and ceilings.

I have my own house just few meters away from her. Kenneth my son and I are the only souls that occupy our humble domain.

Yet I assured her that with all her grandchildren around, “you’re not going to miss even me.”

I told her that she has Kenneth, Kix Daryll and Kix Darren and Bimbong and probably my brother Jose would also bring his children Jemalyn, Jonalyn, Christopher and Nicko for Noche Buena celebration.

“Well that’s a great idea, I think I should focus more on my apos, hmp! Why should I be so selfish when there are still noisy earthlings that I can play with on Christmas day,” was my Nanay’s words.

But looking at her, seeing her sad eyes, I know that she is still trying to convince herself that everything will be okay.

“You are all grown-up now, if God asks me what will be my wish, I will wish that we all go back to where we started,” was my mother’s words before I left her to check my son.