Hoping for a Joyful Christmas

Hoping for a Joyful Christmas

She was sitting on her wooden bench facing east where the air blows gently. I thought she was enjoying the early cold breeze that Sunday morning.

No, she wasn’t, she was there thinking alone and reviving the past memories.

When I approached her, I saw tears in her eyes, she was crying…

Casually I asked her why she’s up so early when it was her typical late waking up routine every Sunday.

In a casual tone trying to hide her broken voice, she said that “I was not able to sleep last night, I have had some nightmares, I am just here trying to recall that bad dreams, don’t mind me.”

My mother is a very sentimental person, but when I saw her emotions that Sunday, I sensed something’s wrong, somewhere.

Before I could ask for more questions, she immediately turned the table on me saying, “hey! why you are up too so early, your son might wake up and find you missing, you better go back to your house.”

I reminded her gently that Kenneth knows his way around and innocently, I asked what’s bothering her.

“Nanay I know that you know you’re hiding something, I know you’re crying and I believe there’s a big reason for that tears.”

She just nodded her head and suddenly blurted out that “I am afraid that I will be spending Christmas alone, your sister has already left me, she is now staying in an apartment near her office and your brother is about to leave me soon, he’ll be working out of the country.”

She wept quietly, I just embraced her trying to console her feelings. I know that at her age, she’s becoming very sensitive and she can’t stand living alone in her house.

“Hush! It’s okay Nanay, my sister is already old enough to be independent, let her live her own life, she knows where to find you and my brother has to move on, he’s been out of job for almost a year.”

However her instant reaction has moved me.

“You know what? I miss the life we had in Baliwasan, we shared every inch of the space in our small house but we were all happy, but…during those days, I was dreaming of having a big house where everyone in the family will have its own room, now I just wish to get back to that old small dwelling.”

Now I am sharing her tears, I know that those moments were the best for us even if we hardly eat a decent meal in a day.

I remember our Christmas excited to have a piece of an apple (the cheapest one), slice bread with margarine and biko. Tatay and Nanay then were proud to share a peso coin for each of their six children.

Those days… late at night, I made sure to watch my parents making a Christmas tree made of white strings tied to a big flat rounded plywood and a long pole in the middle where to tie the strings. Inside that Christmas tree is a manger where Tatay, a skilled carpenter sculpted some figures of the three kings, Mama Mary, Baby Jesus and Papa Joseph with small animals including dogs and cats.

At Noche Buena, we were all satisfied and happy sharing and sipping a cup of hot tea and slices of bread.

Ah… those were the days… Simple yet happy life… Suddenly, I too has to wipe my tears realizing that I sympathize with her longings.

This coming Noche Buena, my Nanay fears of spending it alone in her huge house. The only sounds she can hear is her own footsteps, the squeaking of the door and noises from the lizards on the walls and ceilings.

I have my own house just few meters away from her. Kenneth my son and I are the only souls that occupy our humble domain.

Yet I assured her that with all her grandchildren around, “you’re not going to miss even me.”

I told her that she has Kenneth, Kix Daryll and Kix Darren and Bimbong and probably my brother Jose would also bring his children Jemalyn, Jonalyn, Christopher and Nicko for Noche Buena celebration.

“Well that’s a great idea, I think I should focus more on my apos, hmp! Why should I be so selfish when there are still noisy earthlings that I can play with on Christmas day,” was my Nanay’s words.

But looking at her, seeing her sad eyes, I know that she is still trying to convince herself that everything will be okay.

“You are all grown-up now, if God asks me what will be my wish, I will wish that we all go back to where we started,” was my mother’s words before I left her to check my son.

Lonely Table

When I was a little girl, I remember my parents having a huge wooden table with eight wooden chairs where eight people can sit and dine together.

As I am blooming in my adolescent years, I recalled that our wooden table and wooden chairs started to give off due to constant floodings in our birthplace in Barangay Baliwasan that reached knee or waist deep.

All the furnitures that my parents invested before were gone to waste one by one like old Guava tree behind our old house giving off its branches and twigs as its roots gradually eaten by insects, bugs and molds.

Like the old Guava tree, my father's health was failing then gradually succumbing to death until one day we lost him while he was there lying on a hospital bed with a smile in his face.

Again like the old Guava tree, it didnt retire to return to its nature until we grew up tired of eating its fruits. It didnt stop from bearing fruits and growing more branches despite the heavy floodings then until my father saw a good place for us.

My father worked hard till his last breath so we could finish school and find a well a good job of our won. He made sure that we are all in good hands and bought a property where there is no floodings to destroy our furnitures and fruit trees.

His last request then was for us to transfer to our property in Putik once he's buried and united with Almighty. We granted his wish although most of us objected to staying in Putik because of its distance to the town. But we managed and now we have again many Guava and Mango trees, we have coconut trees and bananas, calamansi and other vegetables, its like tending to a mini farm and we didnt experienced floodings.

After five years when my father was gone, my mother started to think of building her life in her huge house. She said she wanted a big table good for eight person. I said no, it will just make her more lonely because she will be sitting and dining in a huge table along with her children.

Tatay is gone and who will sit on the 8th seat? So she decided to have six seater table, but then again I said no, it would still be lonely for her since three of her children are all married and living their own lives that includes me.

But she said during special occasions we visit her, and ignored my advise.

Two days ago I visited her. Her house is just a stone throw away. She was crying alone and I asked her what's her problem.

She said I was right that having a huge table with six seats will make her utterly sad.

I asked her why when she has two more with her, my youngest sis Emma and my fourth brother Bobong and plus my cousin Jainab.

Nanay said Emma moved to a new apartment recently just near her office, while my brother Bobong is readying his paper to work abroad.

And next year she will be living alone since my cousin is working for me as my son's yaya.

Glancing at the table, my mother wished that she followed my advise then, but I assured her that Kenneth (my son) and I are still there.

To console her, I promised that once my sister and brother definitely leave her alone, I and my son will stay in her huge house with a huge table and that my home near her house will serve as my office where I can go there anytime to do my work.

With that her face glows like she discovered some nice little secrets. Then she said the lonely table will not be lonely after all.

Keeping My Sanity

For the past weeks I have been so busy with my coverage. Its like racing against time and I have this need to fill in anything from coffee and sugar jars to water jars and my purse just to make sure I have something for rainy days.

Seeing my little boy growing so fast, at first he demanded me when he will go to school and just this morning he asked me when is the right time to circumcise his baby penis. Oh my God he is just a four year old angel and he asks so many questions.

My dear friend David earlier advised me to enroll my son to a corporate school like Ateneo de Zamboanga University so he could get the best education, but with my meager income as journalist its not enough. I was thinking of a public school but many friends discouraged me if I really wanted something best for my kid.

And here's the fear... can I or will I make it, can I afford the tuition fees? Will my savings last for his education till he graduated from college?

Before I celebrated my 40th year in this Earth, I have this growing fear inside, so many fears that I sometimes feel that I may last long in this world.

I really love my little boy and my only wish is to see him grow and mature as a better person with better education and the only legacy I could leave is my principles in life, but will this principle makes him survive and beat all the pressing demands?

My other fear is that my boy is growing with this feeling that he is a girl. Society is not that open to gay communities moreso to gay relationship. What will happen to him?

In the end, I always console myself that life is beautiful to spoil and that God is always with me whenever I go and whatever I do. But gnawing fear is always there, always reminding me that I cannot stop, I have to move on, write more stories, earn more, save more...

But what about my time together with my little boy? He kept on asking why I always go out to work and why his other aunts stay in the house where his cousins are being attended well.

The only explanation I give to him is that Mama is alone to keep our life moving and that Mama is the sole breadearner and that if I am not going to work, he will not be able to drink milk, eat boiled rice and his favorite chicken skins and bananas and that I cannot buy him beautiful and colorful barbie dolls.

Sometimes it surprised me when he said "why dont you make yourself beautiful, wear make up so you can find a honey and so that I can have a Papa."

I just laughed to his innocent suggestions, but at this time, I am not ready for any intimate relationship because my concern is only my son and my ailing mother. I wanted them to be happy while I can work and earn for them. I wanted to use all my energies while I am healthy and active and that personal feelings like relationship with the opposite sex has to be shelved until one day my life is easy and pressures are not that heavy to take.

But deep within me, I am no longer interested since I have encountered and experienced different relationships and the most wonderful feeling that I have ever felt and that even renewed my faith is when a little boy came into my life that restored all my sanity.

IN THE ARMS OF ARMS

Out of the blue, Kenneth and I were resting in one of the seats at the Yubengco StarMall when suddenly my son grabbed my ear and whispered, "mama, mama, I think I know that lady there."

I looked around trying to find the lady Kenneth earlier pointed. But I think I missed her.

So I asked him who was she? "yung bang Philippine Idol, andun siya, tingnan mo mama," pointing near the icecream booth.

There I saw Armarie Cruz, Zamboanga's bet for the Philippine Idol but managed to reach the top 12.

I turned to my son and said "si Arms yun anak," watching my son's face got so excited but when I called Armarie, he got so shy and tried to hide behind my back.

I feel so glad not because I was able to talk to Armarie in person (di naman ako mahilig sa celebrity) but am happy to see my son staring closely to the not so stranger as he maintained a following for this show until Armarie got evicted.

My idol is Mau Marcelo, his is Armarie Cruz.

For the sake of my son, I asked Armarie how I can communicate with her and even introduced myself as one of the correspondents of the Philippine Daily Inquirer so she could stay a little longer for picture taking.

Am elated when she granted my request but I was shocked to see that my son prefers to have a long chat than picture taking.

For info, Kenneth is a typical boy who wanted to be the star of the show, and objected to photo shoot if he is with somebody else including me, "gusto niya, siya lang at wala ng iba sa photo frame."

Anyway, at least my son has another encounter that he excitedly shared with his yaya Jainab soon as we got home.

MISS KO NA SI TITA WENG

A day after Rowena "Weng" Caranza left for Manila, Kenneth misses her presence in the house. He kept on asking why Weng has to go to Manila and why she can't stay longer here in Zamboanga.

"I miss Tita Weng, is she going away too long, when is she coming back?" was Kenneth's persistent question.

I told him that Weng is residing in Manila and that she has 3 children and a husband to attend to. Kenneth asked me if Weng's husband and 3 children are still small like him, and I said no, "they are all grown ups."

"But Mama, why does she has to attend to them when they are all grown ups, what about me? I am still a small boy?"

Sigh... I explained to him that Weng has a family and she belongs to her family. I further said that if she will leave them behind, she might end up alone.

I turned around the situation to make him understand more. "What if Mama visits the house of Tita Weng and then Tita's children will insist that I will stay there longer, do you think your Lola and you will be happy without me?"

With that he said, "okay na Mama, basta sabihin ko na lang na miss ko parati si Tita Weng."

HE JUST WANT TO HELP

I was playing scrabbles on my computer when suddenly Kenneth shouted "Mama! Halika! Halika! Tingnan mo!"

He was pulling my shorts, dragging me towards the living room and told me to watch the news on television.

I saw a baby boy lying on a bamboo couch. His head was too big for him and he could hardly blink his eyes as tears flowed down to his neck.

Then at my back Kenneth asked, "Mama bakit siya ganun?" referring to the baby boy named Mark.

I told him he is sick. Then he asked why baby Mark is on television, I said he and his father are asking for help so he can to the hospital for treatment.

"Pag magamot na ba siya, hindi siya mukhang Tweety?"

Suddenly his yaya Inab burst with laughter, but Kenneth and me were serious watching the boy in pain.

"Mama kung tulungan siya hindi na siya magmumukhang Tweety?" I said yes and asked him if he wants to help. "Opo" was his reply and followed with another answer, "para mukha na siyang Cinderella."

"Eh saan ka kukuha ng pera? Me pera ka ba?" was my question, then he automatically pointed to his plastic blue piggy bank.

Okay I said, then asked him further how much will he extend to the baby boy, "he said marami, lahat ng pera ko."

I maintained a piggy bank for Kenneth and at the end of the year, we opened it up and first day of office on January, we usually deposit the saved money to his kiddie account at the Metrobank's Kiddie Savers.

I was moved by his instant reaction to help people. I always tell him to be respectful to elders and be a good boy always, but his second time to share his earned money is something I cannot just easily ignore.

His first "kawanggawa" was when he donated his savings of Php145 from carolling to the Kapuso Foundation December last year. He said then "kawawa naman ang mga bata, walang pagkain."

The second time I remember when we went to Fort Pilar. He insisted on holding to a hundred peso bill so he can choose and buy candles as offering to the patron.

When we reached Fort Pilar, I asked him where's the money and he said he gave the money to an old Badjao woman, a beggar. His reason was "kasi buntis yung kanyang leeg, matanda na siya, wala pang nagbabantay."

Much as I wanted to get mad at him, but I just consider the incident as blessing, a blessing to keep my son away from harm.

Kenneth's Birthday

My angel John Kenneth turned 4 on October 27, 2006. The only wish he expressed a day before his day is to buy him a nice little flashlight. I asked him why he wants flashlight, he said that "para kahit madilim na o gabi na puede ako pumunta kina Lola, para ma-kiss ko siya bago ako matulog."

Actually the distance between my house and that of my Nanay is just about three meters, but my son is quite afraid of the dark especially images coming from the trees and bushes that he regularly encounters in sneaking behind our house to my Nanay.

But in his birthday, I gave him a set of playing golf (colorful) and a DVD toy. Though he is happy with my gifts, he is still asking for his flashlight. I told him that I will buy him a bigger one on Christmas.

FLOWERS AT THE BACKYARD

After typhoons Neneng and Milenyo hit our place, I realized that some of my precious collection of flowering plants were either traumatized or died of long hours of soaking from floodwaters.

At least a number of my shrubberies survived the onslaught of typhoon that lasted for about a month and a few of my ornamental plants could still be rehabilitated.

Initially I lost interest in gardening when I saw the destruction to my backyard.

I feel quite guilty when I didn’t salvage my collections when the first typhoon came.

Soon as I got back from Davao City attending the meeting, I immediately attended to my garden.

MASK OF ZOMBIE

I was awaken by a loud shrill. At first I don’t know what to do because the room was so dark and I cannot make out where was that noise came from. Finally my sanity and consciousness returned and I realized my son John Kenneth was the one shouting and crying.

In darkness I hold him closely assuring him that nothing’s wrong, but the reality is I don’t know the reason why he was shouting and crying.

I carried him and he is quite heavy as he is turning 4 on October 27. We put on the lights and went to the dining room to let him drink his water.

After that, I again feel sleepy and asked my son if we can go back to bed but he strongly objected to getting back in our bedroom.

I asked what’s wrong and he said he saw something moving beside him.

I checked the bed while he was watching the Nick channel.

There I saw a zombie mask which we bought earlier from a local shop. Kenneth loves the mask primarily because of its color violet.

The zombie mask is made of rubber with real hair glued and looks frightening in the dark.

I brought the mask outside to show him if the zombie mask was the cause of his earlier fear and Kenneth nodded saying, “I saw it moving, I was afraid of the mask.”

So I just urged him to give the mask to his cousins but he strongly objected saying, “its mine and I like it.”

“I just thought it was moving but I am fine now,” Kenneth adds.

When I asked him if we can go back to sleep, he agreed, but still bringing in back to our bed his precious mask.

A POSE I CAN'T RESIST

John Kenneth insists that we go to the Lady of Fort Pillar at Pettit Barracks because he wanted to light a candle.

Well, I dont have much choice but to visit our patron, known as the Miraculous Mother that saves the city against any disasters.


After lighting some colorful candles, Kenneth requested to have a brief rest at the concrete benches facing the altar.


Again, I granted his wish, but out of the blue he meekly whisphered to my ear, "Mama can you take pictures of me here?"


"What? It's not allowed here, Mama Mary will get angry at us," was my response to his wish.


Without a word and apparently ignoring my reply, he started posing facing the altar, dancing and singing loudly the song "Till I Met You!"


He made several poses that I cannot resist, so with all the people around silently expressing their thoughts and prayers to our patron, I am kind of busy taking shots of my son's daring poses.

JEFFY'S IMPRESSIONS

Sunday, October 08, 2006

He seldom smiles and when he does, he lights up the entire room so bizarrely that the energy emanating from his sweet and lovely face defies the nasty sight of his decayed teeth.

His presence is just illuminating that it exhausted the weariness of the stale aft

ernoon as he moves around while humming a familiar television fantaserye theme, walking comfortably despite the oversize shoes and distracting the passivity of the hour just like how a sudden blow distracts the doldrums.

So like how a strong brewed coffee amuses an octogenarian’s cracked and thirsty lips.

Lovely.

Sigh. He’s such a darling. So young. So sweet. So handsome. And so bitch!

John Kenneth is just three years old. But believe me, a three year old boy who is, by all barometer and yardstick, already way up gay. Mother is proud, someone that John Kenneth should be very proud about when time comes that he is mature enough to realize what it is to have a mother like Julie.

Julie has “warned” me about the gayness of John Kenneth, whom I later christened Joana Kimberly. She, however, failed to warn me about the tactlessness of the kid. Oh please, sometimes, I would like to think that John Kenneth, er…Joana Kimberly, is not really tactless but just true and blunt about what he sees.

Besides, the kid doesn’t have the idea yet about the art of being fake disguised as being tactful.

My initial encounter with the kid was really a disaster. At least for me. He was restless as he roams around the bureau office cuddling Ansherina, the mermaid toy Julie bough him the last time she was in Davao.

“Bakla ka? Hindi ka pwede maging bakla kasi may balbas ka,” the kid told me that

left me turning purple.

The kid has a sword tongue that victimizes everyone, including his mom.

Here’s some of Joana Kimberly:


Kimberly: Anong pangalan mo?

Rolly: Ako si Juno.

Nico: Ako naman si Markadan ay siya naman ay si Sabina (pointing at me)

Rolly: At boyfriend ko si Argo.

Kimberly: (pointing at Rolly’s crotch) Alam ba ni Argo na meron ka nyan?

Nico: Ay! Chaps na bayot!

Kimberly: (Instructs Rolly to cross his legs) Ganito para hindi makita ni Argo ang iyong lawit?

Rolly: (Crosses legs) Ganito?

Kimberly: Ay maraming ugat ang paa mo.


While I was discussing something with Nico, Julie talking in, Kimberly asked his mom: Mama bakit ka sumasagot na hindi ka naman nila kinakausap?

And a lot more:

Mama, ano pong ibig sabihin ng digmaan?
Mama, galit ako kay Gloria (macapagal-arroyo)
Nye! Inggit ka lang at marunong akong kumanta nyan (Majika)
Mama, pwede ikaw huwag magsuot ng sleeveless kasi maitim ang kilikili mo.

Sigh. Kids.

Posted by bananas at 7:52 PM 21 comments (www.bananachoked.blogspot.com)

INNOCENT QUESTIONS

Kenneth: Mama bakit ako white (fair),ikaw black (morena)?
Mama: Kasi magka-iba blood natin.
Kenneth: Ano pala kulay ng blood mo?
Mama: Red
Kenneth: Eh, ano kulay ng blood ko?
Mama: Red din.
Kenneth: Sabi mo iba blood natin, bakit pareho tayo red?
Mama: Naalala mo nung natumba ka at nasugatan sa tuhod, di ba red ang kulay ng blood mo?
Kenneth: Opo!
Mama: Eh, yung nasugatan si Mama sa finger, di ba red din ang blood ko.
Kenneth: Opo, eh bakit sabi mo kaya ka black kasi iba blood mo?
Mama: Teka... isip muna ako.
Kenneth: Aha! Alam ko na! Pareho tayo red ang blood, pero blood ko lalake, ikaw, blood ng babae, di ba correct ako?
Mama: Korek ka nga!

LESSONS FROM A CHILD

MAMA… NO SMOKING PLEASE?

We, meaning Kenneth, my almost 4 year old son and I were watching a news program on television when something catches his attention.

In between breaks of the said program, an ads on cigarette brand flashed on screen where a sexy woman in red luring a male friend to fetch her for a date.

After the ads, a white bold letters appeared on screen advising viewers that “smoking is dangerous to health.”

Suddenly out of the blue, my son innocently inquired, “Mama ano ibig sabihin sa nakasulat dyan, yung white na letters ba?”

“Aah! Ibig sabihin nuon, masama ang manigarilyo,” was my short reply.

“Bakit?” Kenneth asked still not convinced with my translation.

Choosing proper words for answer, I explained that “kasi masama ang smoking, magkakasakit ka tulad ng ubo, serious pag cancer na.”

“Mama wag ka na mag smoke, magkaka-cancer ka, tingnan mo o umuubo ka na, me cancer ka na siguro, no smoking na Mama ha?”

With his instant reaction, I realized that small kids like my son (a keen observer and meticulous) noticed everything I do inside our home.

I also realized that whatever I forgot or misplaced something inside the house, he is the first to locate it and get it for me like my pair of eyewear, a cellular phone and even my car, bedroom or cabinet keys.

Whenever I watch television or listen to radio and (unconsciously) I could utter such negative or positive words against a certain tv or radio personality, he could easily recall it.

He was then 3 years old when President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo declared Proclamation 1017. I was muttering some words to myself while my son snugged quietly at my lap.

The next day, he said, “Mama look at Pangulong Arroyo, she is there again o, she might be harassing again reporters like you, she is not good.”

Lately, when Efren Bata Reyes went home victorious, I told his yaya that “hey that’s my real idol, a humble person!”

After that, every time Reyes is featured on television, my son immediately shouts “Mama, your idol is on tv, hurry you might miss him!”

Well, Kenneth keeps on surprising me with his intelligence, with him, my mother does not need to remind me the do’s and don’t’s. I have a son whom every time he calls my attention, not only embarrasses me but actually reminding me what I am supposed to do as a mother to a child. (end)